The Knife

My heart tells my mind what to say. It is a lyric from a song by Hall & Oates I think.  I loved that dynamic duo.  But it is not my heart that is the problem; it is my ego.  My heart knows the words my ego doesn’t know how to edit.  This is the real malady that vexes me.   It is in the breaking of hearts that I have been most unaccustomed to. I fear that once I do break them I have to save face in some fashion. I know now that that is preposterous. I have found the key to freedom and now that I have admitted this to myself I will have to use it more openly. Always though with discretion of course because it can become an abuse of power which I have learned is like being cut with a dull edged knife, very painful.   

Black and Red

My big heart is breaking the bonds that I once thought were unbreakable. I felt that way because I was committed and because I was happy. I am neither now and as much as I feel saddened by it all I know that I gave more than I got and I can leave with my balance sheet in the black even though my face is red.  

Lucid Dreaming

My heart has been behaving and hence you hear little out of me on this blog. However, I had that recurring lucid dream of falling forward on my spin bike. Into cardiac arrest I went and I had a few words to say before I left the confines of this earth.  Ask me what I said.  

Nothing to Report

Is my heart just getting stronger or have I just been lucky?  No episodes to report this week except for a brief one during the reception last Saturday. I have not exactly been perfect taking my medication either. Could it be the weight I am losing? Yeah that’s it I think.  The best part about losing weight is that my pants are starting to fall down and the second, is my heart likes it too. 

The Harbinger of Death

Lately I see myself dying right over my spin bike. I just think it is a metaphor that something is about to radically change in my life,  rather than me specifically dying. Although I know that my intuition is uncannily strong. Today when speaking to my friend Debbie, I saw three specific  of her secrets that only she knows. There must be something going on I just know I am not afraid of dying, but living is more like dying than death is.

The Keys to Forgetfulness

There have been some rumblings in my big heart these past few days. I have been lax yet again in taking my beta blocker.  I felt it distinctly when I was about to take off on my group bike ride upstate this past week. I am glad I kept a supply of bystolic handy and that seemed to quell any further episodes. I have been taking intermittently the 5 hour energy product with discretion, because it says it has only the equivalent of a 12 ounce of coffee contained. 

I have to stay vigilant that is clear but it seems the only thing I forget more than my medicine is my keys. 

A Minor Event

It’s a Sunday and along about 3/4 of the way through my spin class I felt a surge in my heart rate. I immediately backed off my intense ride and let the balance of the hour continue with much less resistance than I am accustomed to. I have never had an exercise induced episode and I still don’t believe that is what happened today. I think that my over indulgence in chocolate coupled with the two cups of caffeine triggered me today.  I felt good by the ride home and didn’t give much credence to it being anything but an overdose of caffeine because it was short lived in terms of time and intensity.  Refining my diet would work wonders and a little less chocolate which are empty calories and do not fill me not in the least. The joy of confectionary treats are gone in an instant and stay with my body fat much longer.  

Muscle Heart

Living with this condition has been a revelation becasue I have lost forever the feeling of immortality that I used to possess, especially when I was younger. Even when the condition was discovered I used to joke that it was my day off from exercise because my heart was simulating me being in the anaerobic zone. 

One thing that befuddles me is the fact that I have never had an exercise induced event.  However, when I am going through an episode walking up the stairs raises my heartbeat even higher than the already elevated rate. So the trigger is not exercise but once the event is ongoing any effort worsens the event. I guess my cardiologist could explain.  This week has been “uneventful.” I thank God for that. 

As I write this entry an “episode” is turning my heart on fire.  I have kept up with my medication and for the most part I have not exceeded my caffeine intake. So what is the root cause of my racing heart this morning? The reminder is quite succinct, just how tenuous life is, in particular my life is. 

As I  ascend the stairs to my bedroom, the effort brings me right up into the upper threshold of 185 BPM. I used to joke when having these episodes years prior that I had  no need to exercise today, because my heart is doing the work my legs would have done if  I went for a run  or pumped out a hard interval on the elliptical machine. Those thoughts are but fleeting ones now. I take it more seriously each time my heart reminds me that what I am feeling is real and in many ways, dangerous.  

I can also trust that the reason I do not venture out of the house is not because I am slothful and grateful that my ego has surrendered to self preservation over any idea that i am being lazy. It’s sad to say that it is the only time that my wife shows a genuine concern for me lately. I don’t think even she could handle the idea of me perishing.  

Promise Broken

Again I have to confess that I have lapsed in the dedication I thought I had assured myself of to take my medication religiously. I must have a secret death wish or a defiance that I am invulnerable in some way against the unthinkable happening.  Or it might be simply that I forgot. Who can really say and just like someone who falls off the horse, all I can do is get back on and pop that 5mg. tablet.  

Dark Intuition

I have never had thoughts of death before, but lately I am having intuitive hits that I am either on the edge or flirting with it.  I am not trying to elicit sympathy or create concern I am merely relating what my amorphous thoughts are saying. I have no specificity about it, it just is. One might say that my over indulgence in spin class might physically bring me to my own end. It might just be that my life is about to change in a radical way.  I cannot be sure.  I am continuing to take my medication so I am not sub consciously trying to help my demise along.  I am not sad I am not glum, in truth in many ways I am happier now than ever before. Hey we all gotta go some time. 

Heart Still Beating

I am reminded of the movie Arsenic and Old Lace. When the two cops on the beat are asked by Teddy Roosevelt: What news have you to report? And they answer: We have nothing to report.  I think of the past week and my irregular heart. I have kept on with my  medication regimen and I am sure that has made a difference in me not having an episode.  I really want to explore this phenomena in depth and so I will take it up with my cardiologist to ask him to be apart of this blog to lend some credence to it. I don’t want it to be just experiential, I want some scientific commentary as well.  

Buying the Farm

Five days and I have not forgotten my beta blocker once. Big deal I have gotten back on this band wagon many times over the years just as I have kept from biting my nails only to find when a crisis of some kind arrives I find myself pulling them off again.  There are some moments when I think that my heart will stop and I will head for never never land. I hadn’t really considered that consequence until my cardiologist told me to take my condition as he called it more seriously. Is it time for God to call me home? (I hope it’s God anyway) I am not as sure lately even though I think I am in  the fittest shape of my life prior to my battle with cocaine.  As the old idiom goes: Time Will Tell. 

Risky Behavior

There is no excuse I tell myself. And when I rat myself out for not taking my meds there is always a price to pay. It is not the attention I seek, it is the rebellious nature that still plagues the undercurrent of arrogance  in my unconscious.  And the only way for me to accept my plight is to establish firmly that the risk I take for sudden death is increased dramatically. If it is only 1% the chance is too great. I have too many people that I am responsible for and even though I do not rely on it, there are those that love me deeply as well. 

Not Exactly Bruce Jenner

When the heart has it’s own agenda there’s not much you can say or do about it. It beats in a rhythm designed based on the life we have lived. Oh sure there are some genetic codes it adheres to, but the course that it runs reflects the lifestyle we have lived. Although I have not exactly lived the life of Bruce Jenner, some of his training may have done some of the thickening of the walls of my left ventricle. It would be more apropos that this anomaly that causes my atrial fibrillation have a connection to the more deleterious intervals of my life, alcohol and cocaine addiction. It seems that running is not a natural body movement, so maybe I was taking on a practice that my body was simply not programmed to do. Although at the time running gave me great joy for at least a little while but in the end it lay me open to the addictions I just mentioned.   

Caffeine

Living with a big heart. Does that ever mean that I feel more vividly?  I like to think so but I know better. I was always a soft hearted man by nature. I don’t know where that came from because it certainly wasn’t a characteristic my father showed me or my mother for that matter. So I don’t think my over developed left ventricle has anything to do with the way I feel. 

No events to report these past couple of weeks, not even a mild tremor. I have kept my caffeine consumption in check but it’s the summer so that is no real feat.  When the cool  of fall arrives the real test begins. I have to develop a different set of beverages like more water and even some sports drinks to take the place of the bad habit caffeine is for me. 

My Beta Blocker

My heart has been quiet of late. My consumption of caffeine has been kept to no more than two cups of coffee per day, so that might have been part of the reason I have not had an episode. What continues to make me happy though is that even in extreme exercise I have not had an event. Take today for example, an hour of spinning in the advanced class with our best instructor Kristen Gagne and then a strenuous half hour of upper body weight with a trainer. He had me gasping for breath but it did not induce palpitations.

My confession is that I have been hit and miss on taking my 5 mg of Bystolic, my cardiologist recommended beta blocker. The medication does have a carry over effect because I still get out of breath by the time my HR gets to 140. This ceiling is a frustrating one because it's almost like I keep bumping my head whenever I start exercising. My doctor told me that the beta blocker is in effect making my heart more efficient. I think it's a pain in the ass, because for all the working out I do, being out of breath so quickly makes me feel I am out of shape. I was so used to as a young man being able to go a long time before I went anaerobic but now it seems to happen within minutes of most of my workout sessions. I think my resistance to take my meds is purely stubbornness on my part but as I write this blog I am vowing to be more dedicated not only for me but for my family as well.  

Jim Fixx

There was a time during my marathon running days that I thought I was invulnerable to ever having a heart attack. I had read somewhere that running a marathon, even one assured you of never having heart disease in your life time. Certainly a popular myth because shortly after reading that snippet, Jim Fixx died. He was a runner who wrote the famous book:The Complete Book of Running. Jim helped start the long distance running craze in this country. He died while running in 1984 of a fulminant heart attack. Jim's famous legs and fantastic physique belied the fact that he had an enlarged heart. And so I take my LVH seriously enough that I have no extended lease on life. Just ask Jim's family.  

False Alarms?

Today in spin class I felt a tiny twinge on the left side of my chest but it left in but a few moments. I wonder if these are warning signs or just benign events.  I intend to ask my cardiologist if he will participate in this blog.  I don't know if I can find the readership to make these entries helpful and more importantly to let others know they are not alone.

I notice when I grip the handlebars when I bike outside or spin inside that my left hand goes numb. I can shake it off quite quickly but I wonder too if that is a side effect of LVH.  I try hard not to grip the handles too tightly,  but to no avail. This might be more related to some circulatory issues that I may be having as I get older and not due to my condition I am not sure. All I know is that I have to start paying better attention to my diet and that extreme exercise will not be the panacea it used to be when I was in my 30's.

The Low Ceiling

It is much to my chagrin that after spending so much time at the gym these past 7 years and more recently exercising again in the extreme while at spin classes, I still find myself out of breath even ascending a flight of stairs. It is something I have resigned myself to because my heart reaches it's ceiling rather quickly. It matters little that my stamina or my level of fitness has improved markedly since February of this year because I am still experiencing what another might consider the heart of a couch potato. 

I have to learn to live with it and the mere fact that I am exercising without an event  means to me that my irregular heartbeat is not exercise induced.  I think that I have episodes from either too much caffeine or when I sublimate my stress levels below the pre-conscious and conscious levels of thought.  I have no scientific evidence of this claim but as I approach 60 I am determined to monitor my BP more regularly as well as when I do have an episode what the preceding 24 hours were like. 

Runners Heart

Athletic training. Intense, prolonged endurance and strength training can cause the heart to adapt so that it can handle the extra workload. In some people, these changes may lead to left ventricular hypertrophy (MayoClinic.com).

I have been living with LVH for quite some time. I do not have a high BP for the most part and my readings when I donate blood and more recently platelets has been spot on normal according to the talented phlebotomists at Melville Blood Center.

So where did my condition originate from?  My cardiologist’s hypothesis is from my long distance running a half lifetime ago. I was a marathoner and ultra-marathoner in my 20s and 30s, and this is possibly how my left ventricle got enlarged. I don’t have a family history of heart disease.

Running gave me a new lease on life after I had lost 75 pounds that I had put on in four years of college. I went into military school at 140 and came out at 215.  Weight Watchers was my formula and I was able to eradicate most of that girth in approximately 4 months time. Probably too fast, but I adhered to the regimen the program set forth at that time and it produced prodigious results. 

I started running in April of 1975 and by October of that year I was running in my first marathon in Central Park, one year before that race took to the streets of the 5 boroughs. 

Prompted by My New Reality

Is this you? It is for me.

Left ventricular hypertrophy is enlargement (hypertrophy) of the muscle tissue that makes up the wall of your heart's main pumping chamber (left ventricle). (MayoClinic.com)

It is my intention to bring this condition to light. To talk about it as it affects our everyday life. Whether you are active like I am or want to be or have no intention of.