The Knife

My heart tells my mind what to say. It is a lyric from a song by Hall & Oates I think.  I loved that dynamic duo.  But it is not my heart that is the problem; it is my ego.  My heart knows the words my ego doesn’t know how to edit.  This is the real malady that vexes me.   It is in the breaking of hearts that I have been most unaccustomed to. I fear that once I do break them I have to save face in some fashion. I know now that that is preposterous. I have found the key to freedom and now that I have admitted this to myself I will have to use it more openly. Always though with discretion of course because it can become an abuse of power which I have learned is like being cut with a dull edged knife, very painful.   

Black and Red

My big heart is breaking the bonds that I once thought were unbreakable. I felt that way because I was committed and because I was happy. I am neither now and as much as I feel saddened by it all I know that I gave more than I got and I can leave with my balance sheet in the black even though my face is red.  

Lucid Dreaming

My heart has been behaving and hence you hear little out of me on this blog. However, I had that recurring lucid dream of falling forward on my spin bike. Into cardiac arrest I went and I had a few words to say before I left the confines of this earth.  Ask me what I said.  

Nothing to Report

Is my heart just getting stronger or have I just been lucky?  No episodes to report this week except for a brief one during the reception last Saturday. I have not exactly been perfect taking my medication either. Could it be the weight I am losing? Yeah that’s it I think.  The best part about losing weight is that my pants are starting to fall down and the second, is my heart likes it too. 

The Harbinger of Death

Lately I see myself dying right over my spin bike. I just think it is a metaphor that something is about to radically change in my life,  rather than me specifically dying. Although I know that my intuition is uncannily strong. Today when speaking to my friend Debbie, I saw three specific  of her secrets that only she knows. There must be something going on I just know I am not afraid of dying, but living is more like dying than death is.

The Keys to Forgetfulness

There have been some rumblings in my big heart these past few days. I have been lax yet again in taking my beta blocker.  I felt it distinctly when I was about to take off on my group bike ride upstate this past week. I am glad I kept a supply of bystolic handy and that seemed to quell any further episodes. I have been taking intermittently the 5 hour energy product with discretion, because it says it has only the equivalent of a 12 ounce of coffee contained. 

I have to stay vigilant that is clear but it seems the only thing I forget more than my medicine is my keys. 

A Minor Event

It’s a Sunday and along about 3/4 of the way through my spin class I felt a surge in my heart rate. I immediately backed off my intense ride and let the balance of the hour continue with much less resistance than I am accustomed to. I have never had an exercise induced episode and I still don’t believe that is what happened today. I think that my over indulgence in chocolate coupled with the two cups of caffeine triggered me today.  I felt good by the ride home and didn’t give much credence to it being anything but an overdose of caffeine because it was short lived in terms of time and intensity.  Refining my diet would work wonders and a little less chocolate which are empty calories and do not fill me not in the least. The joy of confectionary treats are gone in an instant and stay with my body fat much longer.