As I write this entry an “episode” is turning my heart on fire.  I have kept up with my medication and for the most part I have not exceeded my caffeine intake. So what is the root cause of my racing heart this morning? The reminder is quite succinct, just how tenuous life is, in particular my life is. 

As I  ascend the stairs to my bedroom, the effort brings me right up into the upper threshold of 185 BPM. I used to joke when having these episodes years prior that I had  no need to exercise today, because my heart is doing the work my legs would have done if  I went for a run  or pumped out a hard interval on the elliptical machine. Those thoughts are but fleeting ones now. I take it more seriously each time my heart reminds me that what I am feeling is real and in many ways, dangerous.  

I can also trust that the reason I do not venture out of the house is not because I am slothful and grateful that my ego has surrendered to self preservation over any idea that i am being lazy. It’s sad to say that it is the only time that my wife shows a genuine concern for me lately. I don’t think even she could handle the idea of me perishing.  

Promise Broken

Again I have to confess that I have lapsed in the dedication I thought I had assured myself of to take my medication religiously. I must have a secret death wish or a defiance that I am invulnerable in some way against the unthinkable happening.  Or it might be simply that I forgot. Who can really say and just like someone who falls off the horse, all I can do is get back on and pop that 5mg. tablet.  

Dark Intuition

I have never had thoughts of death before, but lately I am having intuitive hits that I am either on the edge or flirting with it.  I am not trying to elicit sympathy or create concern I am merely relating what my amorphous thoughts are saying. I have no specificity about it, it just is. One might say that my over indulgence in spin class might physically bring me to my own end. It might just be that my life is about to change in a radical way.  I cannot be sure.  I am continuing to take my medication so I am not sub consciously trying to help my demise along.  I am not sad I am not glum, in truth in many ways I am happier now than ever before. Hey we all gotta go some time. 

Heart Still Beating

I am reminded of the movie Arsenic and Old Lace. When the two cops on the beat are asked by Teddy Roosevelt: What news have you to report? And they answer: We have nothing to report.  I think of the past week and my irregular heart. I have kept on with my  medication regimen and I am sure that has made a difference in me not having an episode.  I really want to explore this phenomena in depth and so I will take it up with my cardiologist to ask him to be apart of this blog to lend some credence to it. I don’t want it to be just experiential, I want some scientific commentary as well.  

Buying the Farm

Five days and I have not forgotten my beta blocker once. Big deal I have gotten back on this band wagon many times over the years just as I have kept from biting my nails only to find when a crisis of some kind arrives I find myself pulling them off again.  There are some moments when I think that my heart will stop and I will head for never never land. I hadn’t really considered that consequence until my cardiologist told me to take my condition as he called it more seriously. Is it time for God to call me home? (I hope it’s God anyway) I am not as sure lately even though I think I am in  the fittest shape of my life prior to my battle with cocaine.  As the old idiom goes: Time Will Tell.